I went to an F-Rated high school where lexile reading scores suggest the reading level was frozen at 4th grade (full story), the misery in that science lab was palpable when our teacher forced students to select a creature from Neptune's sea to write a proverbial book on- quite possibility longer than anything some of these kids have read. He relished in their pain. I imagined his inner Mr. Burns monologue, "Yes, yes, these teens have youth and beauty I've long lost, but at this moment, like He-Man, I...HAVE...THE POWER!"
But I was an AP English student that wrote extra essays for fun. For breakfast. I savored my Essay Blessing. The day before the deadline I swiftly cranked out my intentionally silly, fluffy, 45-page, double-spaced paper. It's easy to elaborate on a whale with a horn-tooth vikings sold as medicine in medieval Europe. It took 2 hours. When I got to class, I smugly centered my essay on the desk, proud I'd "beat" McAssHat's system by completing a "difficult" essay he'd given us months to prepare in a night. Then another revelation for my pompous teenage satisfaction- I finished early, the essay wasn't due until the next day. I was incredible. I was Batman!
Resigned to her life in squalor.
The teacher, after a likely well-timed absence of its mention, reminded the class of the next-day deadline for their sea beast bible. His eyes rolled back in pleasure* as he savored the agonized moans with perverted satisfaction. I calmed some mild hysteria with my one-night essay story. The girl beside me brightened, her pretty amber eyes shining. Triumphantly she literally growled, "Yes! It's possible!"
My apartment was a little like that essay, but while I intentionally ignored my essay I couldn't will my body to address my home-disaster. Like a war criminal isolated in a lonely cell, I couldn't recall the days that passed in my pit of squalor. I committed the sin of sloth day after day in a haze. My mess piled up, grew sentience, threatened to destroy me, haunted my dreams.* The dust bunnies mated and multiplied.** Merchandise spread like a disease to every countertop. I tripped over scattered objects.** Every night I vowed that cleaning the apartment to perfection would be the next day's priority #1 but the inertia cycle continued. Rinse. Repeat.
The day before yesterday I buckled down, summoned will power from the Castle Grayskull and cleared every trace of mess. I surveyed my sparkling kingdom with a sense of awe. One day weeks ago would have prevented me from living in a state of shame and anxiety over my pathetic mess.
You and I are homo sapiens with built-in energy-saving survival mechanisms that make you lazy. Natural selection ensured human beings that conserved their energy for times of need passed on their genes and that's just one of the myriad of reasons why your will conspires to prevent you from completing any one simple life-improving task- like screwing the cap back on your god damn toothpaste. The same wall keeps you from sending out that next round of applications, opening up that online shop you've always wanted, and the other simple succession of steps you know will move you toward your life goals.
I got an A on my hyper-rushed Narwhal essay. I give myself an A+ on cleaning my apartment. I am amazing. I am 11th grade me again. I am BATMAN! Happy Spring Equinox. Go clean your damn room.
Do THOSE THINGS you've been putting off, now. Capricious Season Change Day demands it!
*Hyperbole
**Not Hyperbole
So what are you working on cleaning this season? I'll be sharing updates as I find the best way to track inventory, store receipts, use essential oils, display all of my ample collections and make products/DIYS to help everyone else get organized too! A "master spreadsheet" telling me where all my art supplies are located would be nice, too.
As always, your writing makes me smile. Happy Equinox!
ReplyDeleteThanks! It was fun to revive my high school "voice" with writing. :D
DeleteAwesome job! A+ Can you come for a visit please?
ReplyDeleteI LOVE cleaning other people's houses, I wish I could :D Especially with all the gorgeous mod goodness you have to stage. Tomorrow I want to help my mom with her garage and bring some of my favorite toys down from the attic while I'm at it...
DeleteThey sell those dust bunny contraceptives at Wallyworld in the cleaning aisle :) Good job, I only did my heating grates because they were filthy. I am calling Spring Cleaning done at that.
ReplyDeleteThat means you were caught-up which is awesome! I have closets and cabinets to tackle next.
DeleteCleaning always comes last here, but I work right around it and don't even notice it some times. It gets done, but on my time and at my pace. Life is too short to spend so much time cleaning. You go Batman. Your home looks great. At 62 if some one complains I hand them the broom. Not a mess here just work all over the place.
ReplyDeleteNo shame in that, I love the look of a good work-mess, truly. My mess completely impaired my ability to work or live in peace though. So glad it's gone!
DeleteI used to be Batman-- you could eat off any floor in my home, but I developed an allergy to dust (see-- housework can kill you!) so now I have to clean in increments. Hate it, but we do what we can. Your place looks great!
ReplyDeleteOh, that sucks! I always felt like it could! Now I know I -really have no excuse to let this place get bad again.
DeleteI loved the lay-out of this post (actually, I loved everything about it). More stories, please!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked it :D Definitely will be sharing more stories and writing thoughtfully instead of conscience more often.
DeleteI really need to clean my room, too. That teacher was a real @ss! :(
ReplyDeleteYou don't knooooow the half of it, he'd also later date/do-bad-things-with/later marry a classmate. He was an odd'un. I actually look back on that class fondly, it was pretty hilarious.
DeleteYour place looks beautiful. I am green with envy and vow to make some effort today to turn my mess around. Do you have a giant eyeball on your fridge? If so how cool.
ReplyDeleteWe do :D There are two giant eye balls to "watch" what we eat, bwahaha. Some have urged me to make fridge eye magnets but I'm sure they're out there.
DeleteGreat post! I'm gonna say it, aside from the length (45 pages??) that assignment sounds kinda fun. I had a high school history teacher that had us create origin stories that seem kind of similar, but he was an awesome teacher and they didn't need to be 45 pages.
ReplyDeleteGreat job cleaning though! I definitely need to tap into your motivation and do a bedroom deep clean. I'll do it... later. Well ok i'll do it this spring. Uh oh...
l --loved-- the project, all we had to do was pick an aquatic animal and run and I'm obsessed with marine biology. I just thought it was funny how he chose the length just to torture to students- it was pretty obvious and out of the blue. And it was the ONLY essay we ever had to do in that class.
DeleteI'll keep posting cleaning inspiration, now that all is gorgeously surface cleaned I want to dig into every cabinet, drawer, etc.
I can totally relate! All I've done so far to acknowledge the equinox is to change the wreath on my front door from ivy to spring blossoms - but yes! It's time to clear the energy! Thank you so much for that biological explanation of laziness - now I can stop feeling like "what on earth is WRONG with me?!?!" and realize instead that this isn't the Pleistocene anymore, there's plenty of food to refuel, and I can get up off my tush and get on with it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Van!
(And Narwhals are so cool!)
Narwhals are incredible! I love all sea beasts. Inertia was the status quo for February, I'm reading/hearing the same from many others, it was so hard to move! So glad to be writing/moving again and to be living in a box free house. Hell yes!
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