I Don't Know Who You Are. I Don't Know What You Want...I Will Find You. And I Will Kill You.

(If you're reading this from e-mail click through to watch the video. It makes this post!)

Above is the sign I'm going to post all over my neighborhood. I know daughter-kidnapping and bike-theft have nothing in common but my roomie and I cracked up over the hyperbole. Yep, some jack-ass swiftly walked into my apartment while I was in a rush-loading my car with vintage merchandise for my Revolve sale this Sunday and stole my bike in broad daylight. I even had a friend with me! Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, the thieves are out. I'd keep my bike inside and locked up, if I were you!

(Play this video above for dramatic affect as you read my bike eulogy - click through to the blog to read this post if you're reading via e-mail.)

And now a goodbye to my bike which I am more than likely never going to see again. I truly adored that bicycle. It was my first "nice" bike and she rode oh so smooth. We have gone on strange adventures, she and I. With bike gangs through the woods in the night (yep), through our Great Nation's oldest city, and around my beautiful historic neighborhood. She has watched me collapse from heat stroke a couple of times, never taunting, always supportive instead. She was my rock. She was a sexy beast. I mean look at that picture above. She looks like everything a bike should be. Retro-style but not overly-so. Just the right amount of vintage and utilitarian. Almost looks like a cruiser but she was a light, fast, roadster, perfect for the vintage deliveries I frequently make. Her spacious seat was perfect for my ample Puerto Rican behind.

(From a couple years back when I used to go on biking adventures with Hipsters  fellow-bike-enthusiasts. Yeah. That's how Schwinn Cream and I ROLL. We got it like that. Did I say ROLL? I mean ROLLED... Excuse me, I.. I.... *sobb*)

I will never be able to look into your eyes or feel the touch of you underneath me, nor feel the wind blowing through our hairs. All I have now is your memory.

Your ghost lingers in my home and in my heart.

(If you're reading this post via e-mail, click through to see the video)

Ain't no Sunshine When Bike is Gone, Sing it, Michael! And some more sad songs for Bike: Baby Come Back and We Belong Together. And some Lately by the Angel-voiced Stevie Wonder...in case my Bike is actually off having an affair out there somewhere. Replace any instance of "baby" or "you" in the songs with the word "Bike" for maximum affect. Oh wait, one more, On Bended Knee so bike will forgive me for my neglect. (Bike, I'm sorry for all that I've done, Bike, Come back to me...)

AND Hyperbole Aside, can I get some recommendations for a new bicycle if you have some? Smooth and high quality, great value? I am normally VERY careful with my bike, it's never unlocked outside for even a minute...but it was inside so I let 'er lose. Even when I'm loading goods into my car I usually roll my bike outside and lock it up, that's how cautious I am! But I was in a rush on Sunday morning. It only takes one moment of neglect for someone to roll out with your Precious, so never lose that vigilance. Watch your goods like Batman keeps his keen eyes on the streets of Gotham. That makes no sense. Just lock your stuff up good and tight!

If you're in my Riverside Jacksonville area and see my bike, please do call the number! I have my serial number and police case number and I'm ready to go Taken on someone if I can....without the murder.

Update: I was recently alerted to a Facebook Group called Find Stolen Bikes and joined. Great service!

*By the way, my roommate I laughed so hard writing this post! My throat hurts now.

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